[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Smells like a challenge to me
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: