my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
They’re called werewolves.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
This meal prepping shit easy
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
A drum solo but on your face.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up