“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
You are what you delete.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
New favorite tiktok
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!