Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Sending in my taxes
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.