Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
it was love at first sight
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”