[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
This did not end as expected.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.