You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS