“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me