Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You Might Also Like
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
This will never not be funny to me.