My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.