do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’ve been learning to cook.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women