Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
And then there were 4
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15