DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.