Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
🌱🌱🌱
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.