If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Saw your ex at the shops
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Selfie
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.