My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.