Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
🤣
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.