Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.