Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
You Might Also Like
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked