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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
good work, detective
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
A bold strategy