What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
You Might Also Like
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat