Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.