CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.