PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I get distracted pretty eas
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*me flirting
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.