there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Potatoes were such a good idea
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.