Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?