A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park