Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.