With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
adam and eve had first world problems
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.