‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
True?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway