Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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