I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.