I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.