Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?