Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.