Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
bugs when you lift up a rock