My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
socratic questions
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”