After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.