It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
tinder is all about the long game
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Planet of the Apps.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?