Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
me linking you to my twitter
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat