A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
ugh not again
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.