This could’ve been an email.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
i prefer mine room temperature.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*