Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Skills
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please