Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.