ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My work here is don’t.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?