“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
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Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions