[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Best spot.. 😅
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.