Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
very niche meme I made
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise