everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
You Might Also Like
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what