drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
New comic up. “Ransom”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.